If there is one thing that is consistent about me, it’s my inconsistency. I am, after all, a chaotic, emotion-driven introvert who thrives on cold, hard logic. Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other, and when both decide to collide, we enter unstable territory known only as ‘holy shit what is wrong with me!?’

You can always be certain though that, eventually, I’ll drop social media of any kind to crawl back into my shell. That’s generally when I know I’m neither feeling nor being okay.

 

What have we been up to?

My good people. So much has been going on since last post, August 10th, that I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just start at the most prominent life updates.

Health-wise, life has been crap for most of these past four months. And I mean the sort of crap that sometimes literally asphyxiates you and makes you want to stop breathing long enough to actually be able to rest. Since the burnout over two years ago now (time sure does fly), rest has been a precious commodity, but I’d been doing better since the depression went away. When the covid lockdown happened March 2020, I discovered just how not okay I really was. Stress hit with such force that, to this day, I still can’t get rid of it no matter what I do. And this lack of rest had been piling piling piling until I reached a point, over a month ago now, that my life quality had dropped to about nothing. I couldn’t fall asleep, I couldn’t stay asleep, I didn’t rest when I slept, and I woke up every morning as though I’d been awake all night. It was becoming unlivable. I was not getting any help from my doctor, either. To be fair, I think he’s simply lost as to my symptoms and believes it’s all in my head, but, in the meantime, I was suffering.

Well, help came from a strange corner of the internet, namely Pillowfort. Quiet little social media where you can have real, often deep discussions. I happened to start one with someone knowledgeable on personality disorders, and I must note: I did so as writing research. Psychology fascinates me. I did however not expect to get indirectly pointed out I’d more than certainly suffered from a (severe?) anxiety disorder as a teen. When I researched the symptoms of long-term chronic anxiety, lo and behold: all my symptoms fit. Like literally fit. Even the little tricks I started doing to get anxiety down at night, like breathing exercises and watching something relaxing, worked to a degree that I can only call miraculous. The next night, I still struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep… and yet I woke up quite refreshed. After two weeks of constant exhaustion. Logic had demanded I wake up exhausted again, but such was not the case. I was, honestly, flabbergasted. And ecstatic. Finally, finally, these health issues started to make a global sort of sense.

I’m more than convinced that long-term chronic anxiety is one major cause of my health issues. Today, namely, I needed to drive to the store. I felt able enough… until I started backing the car out of our spot – until my brain started having to pay attention to multiple aspects at once and started flipping out. At the store itself, all went okay until I tried thinking of what else I needed… and my brain started flipping again. That’s when I went home. I’ve been shaking since then, a few hours ago now. There’s no reason for me to feel anxious, but I am anxious. And that’s where the second half of my issues, I think, comes in:

Physical stress. Something indeed in my head, my brain, sending out all the wrong signals as to how to handle stress. I believe, without certainty, that this may have started when the depression went away. My brain literally grew up on depression and anxiety (and its attached stress). It doesn’t know how else to function. Thus, with the depression gone, the stress has free reign. It’s one theory, that I’ve tried to run by my doctor, but I think he believes it’s all in my head – mentally. The whole stress symptom/cause? has been completely ignored by every doctor I’ve met. I can’t get anyone to acknowledge the fact my heartrate jumpts to 130 at a little physical effort, causing exhaustion to set in almost immediately. My shoulder is still hurting from working on a divider over a week ago now. There are days I feel like my body’s dying and no one cares. Well, I care. I also think anxiety has me imagining the worst. But, it’s a fact my shoulder’s badly worn down and my back’s basically a fused mess now. The rest of me works fine.

So, I feel a little lost, and at the same time I know I’m not gonna give up, and if there’s anything I have learnt the now very hard way, it’s that my life and beliefs have value and I will never let anyone trample on what I feel is best for me ever again. My personality has evolved too much to return to that silent suffering. Even if it means dropping off society eventually, but then a part of my mind retains the hope of working again someday. It’s just gonna take a lot of time, and a help I am currently not getting.

 

But all is not dark!

Indeed it isn’t. With the daily, recurring anxiety lifting, and my sleep improving, so have my memory and thought processes improved. I can write again as I used to, or almost as I used to, am again able to remember scenes and character/tale history and tie my sentences and paragraphs together. Yes, all that was basically lost. It came back overnight. If this doesn’t help me believe that my stress issues can be fixed, then nothing will.

So I have been working on a few things, my main loves at the moment being Devon and Sorasiehn’s story, and Fates. Reading things over now that I wrote during the height of my exhaustion, I so often shudder at the horror… and, at the same time, feel pride and joy that I can improve upon the base ideas. I am not doing better by a longshot, but feeling better has already made a world of difference. If I can write, I can live. And I need to live. I can’t keep wasting time.

 

 

And where are we heading?

My intention had been to finish Fates’ part 1 before my birthday end of November, but I failed due to health’s decline. Still, I am very proud I managed to work on it again, diligently, and I intend to rework the new chapters into a newly revised edition that will have some character fixes (thank you Goddess of Gales for pointing out a major issue). I started a whole new file to distance myself from all that came before. The intent now is to finish the first part before… let’s be realistic… April 1st. Let’s say April 1st. The day the husband started his dreamjob several years ago, and I my Patreon. Perfect.

I’d also like to edit and polish Selessannea’s story, which I intend to self-publish as an actual book. I expect nothing really from it, especially without professional editing, but the point is to get something out and findable. At this point, I can’t keep being afraid of getting known, of people hating my story, or characters, or me, or criticizing… I want to think of the people who’ll find the book, love it, and want to support me if only in words. I really need more of that. 

And lastly, I’d like to further rework Devon and Sorasiehn’s story and make it something worth reading (maybe as a book too? Not sure). I love those characters. And they, like Selessannea, are a good introduction to the world of Aeyuu and its biggest threat, which will be one of the main foci of The Age of Silence. I have not given up on that book. As a sidequest, I’d like to get one chapter written next year.

Lots of things to look forward to. Regular updates? Ehhhh sorry, not gonna promise that. XD

Noct, over and out!

 

 

 

I’m probably making myself  procrastinate just for the sake of procrastinating by writing this blog post. But then, sometimes, you just need to get the thoughts out of your head in order to move forward again.

 

What have we been up to?

Since last time? Still pedaling on the figurative homebike – as in, getting nowhere at all. Diagnostic-wise, at the least.

When it comes to health, it has kept fluctuating, refusing to stabilize for longer than a week, and not a single doctor has actually listened to my symptoms – and I mean, listened intently. Or someone would have started putting two and two together, as I have.

They do say Google is a bad counsel for medical issues, but then it’s also a source of information when you know how to use it. I’ve thus been Googling symptoms now and again, upon inspiration – just to see if putting them together yielded any sort of result at all. Well, I’ve been pinpointing a very plausible issue based solely on the most prominent and sometimes weird symptoms – like feeling exhausted at waking, throughout the day, and miraculously starting to wake up at night. Then there’s the stress issues, my sensitivity to small-screen light (think phone or Switch), hormonal imbalance, low blood pressure… 

It’s becoming more and more safe to assume I have an adrenal dysfunction. What sort, I’m not sure, even though low cortisol issues sounds most likely from the info I’ve garnered. Too many symptoms fit. So I’ll be discussing this hypothesis with my doctor when I see him end of August.

My guess would be that seeing an endicronologist would be the next step (especially as I never saw one in my fourty years of life, despite some other symptoms that point towards hormonal imbalance… but I just didn’t know nor realize). 

In the meantime, I balance things out with two vitamins B a day and a blend of adaptogen herbs that have been miraculous for my brain power. I also discovered that the type of screen I use close to bedtime makes the difference between next day’s brain fog or clarity – although I’m more tempted to say that my brain can no longer cope with multitasking. When I drive, I’m focussed on one aspect of driving and can easily neglect the rest (like checking for people crossing – I know); when husband talks to me while the tv’s on, my brain fries and I have to shut either one up; and when I play on the Switch while watching/listening to series, I likely put way more stress on my brain than I realize.

So, it’s safe to say something’s up with my brain power/chemistry. I dearly hope my doctor will think the same way.

 

But all is not dark!

It never is. Since taking the adaptogen plant supplement, I’ve been able to write again. I’ve been working on several projects, finishing things here and there, most notably the story Fragments of Selessannea’s memories! Which I intend to self-pub in the near-ish future, hopefully still 2021, but at this time it depends on my alpha readers having time to help out.

I’ve also been drawing a bit again, completing a trade with my good friend Athena of her character Morana.

And where are we heading?

The sky is the limit, as they say! For now, I’ll keep working on two main projects, Devon and Sorasiehn’s story, and Fates.

And yes I still plan to revive Did You Know, but shh, getting there slowly.

Noct, over and out!

 

 

Greetings one and all!

And welcome to this first, official blog post on the Tales from Aeyuu website. It will be as much a test of layout and design, as it will be an actual contentirific-ish blog entry. Still fairly new to self-hosting and working with BoldGrid, but I never stop learning!

 

What have we been up to?

Mainly suffering from chronic fatigue – undiagnosed, for now, but we have all the symptoms of it. So my days are either energetic enough so that I can get things done (like today), or I’m a blank and even doing simple things I love (like gaming) is a struggle.

In fact, my feeling blank and at the end of my rope is exactly why I wanted to set up this journal:

I need my own space to vent.

Medium isn’t the right place at all, Facebook works but then I get down from no one talking to me or being encouraging, and I have no other journal anymore. And, sometimes, you just want to vent into the void, just to get the words and the pain and the anger out of your system. Here, I want no one to respond, and expect no one to see. But it’ll exist, for me, and yeah for anyone stumbling onto it (especially if I share it on Facebook).

But first and foremost, it’ll be MY place, my own, personal writing spot, tied to no social media, no other site, but my own. And that, in itself, blows my own mind.

 

But all is not dark!

In fact, I just got myself started on a brand new, related-to-nothing story that’ll be dark, disturbing, and gory. Because that’s what you write when you don’t feel well. Yes I do have a snippet handy! That I just made specially for this blog post!

Isn’t this fabulous? Well, I know Orion is as well, but unfortunately you won’t be seeing the rest of that story right here and now. The impatient can find me on Patreon and sign up to get this, and more, for just €1 a month. Yep, you read that right. And yes, I need to plug this thing here and there. how else will my chronically fatigued self make a living?

 

And where are we heading?

Well, back to Word for now, because Orion is calling. In general? I’m not sure, but we’re still hoping for great things.

Keep an eye out on this blog for new updates, the return of the Did You Know feature, and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Noct, over and out!