I have an accumulation pattern. What this means, basically, is that I accumulate events and emotions and all the positive and negative, kind of like a sponge, until I’m so filled up that I can’t perform my function anymore.
It’s been weeks since last I wrote anything. A couple of minutes ago, I realized I’ve again been doing this accumulation and that it is the reason I feel blocked in everything I do.
Since 2017, I’ve been struggling to get my name out there – my writer’s name. This year I overhauled my brand entirely and refocused my efforts. I’ve been working on reaching out more, on building my online appearance… and I’ve completely neglected to be real. By which I mean: I’ve been so busy putting out all the good in me, and convincing myself that people don’t want to read or see the negative, that I kept it all in. Because I figure: hey, it’s my issues, people won’t care.
But I care. And I need a place to ‘vent’. Because if I don’t, then I can’t function. Realizing I have this accumulation pattern was the best thing that happened to me this year (aside from getting married), but it also means I now have a responsability towards myself to work on it.
Writing is the only way I know how to. And I need it to be in a place where people might stumble upon it – not because I want your attention, but because someone out there might actually need to discover they’re not alone with how they feel.
Late March I had a burnout. Somewhere in June I realized I have an accumulation pattern. Since then, I’ve grown mentally strong while my body keeps getting weaker. End September I had an episode where I couldn’t get into the tub because I physically forgot how, or even how to shower; also nearly fell flat on my face one morning after getting up because my legs simply didn’t work. I feel frustrated and aggressive nearly every day. It’s like mental, emotional, and physical are no longer communicating properly. I’m angry. Angry that I don’t feel taken seriously at times. Angry that I can’t seem to go forward in life. Yet at the same time I feel very calm. I know that this, too, shall pass.
But it’s exhausting. I’m tired every day. The only upside is that I no longer feel like dying when I get like this. Rather, I feel like tearing down the walls with a sledgehammer. I want to call this progress. It’s a better energy, believe it or not.
And it helps to talk – to get it all out. To no longer carry the weight but instead smear at all over the walls, so I can look at its abstractness and figure things out. I love to write. It feels relieving.
So where do we go from here? Well, I have a lot of ideas lined up, most notably to dive back into my unfinished novel and improve it already. I know: it’s not the way things are done. But the reality, for me, is that this novel was written in an energy of obsession and desperation, and I no longer live that way; so, it needs to be uplifted to my current energy. Which is a blend of anger and calm with the occasional hiccup.
I even had ideas in the shower for something entirely unrelated that I’ve been wanting to do for over a decade: a you’re-the-hero book. With lots of Dragons. Maybe I should work a bit on that today to get my brain rolling, as it seems to be doing quite well at this time. Good coherence and paragraph building.
Expect an overhaul of this site as well, eventually. Will be more about the stories and less about all the rest, which can be found at the official Tales from Aeyuu Discord server.
Now, to move forward a bit.